How Do I Deal With Being a Soldier's Wife

In my life I have faced so many things both good and very bad but I don't think anything could have ever prepared me for what I am dealing with right now. I finally meet the love of my life and he is the most wonderful man I have ever known. I knew he was in the Nat. Guard when I met him so why is it that I am having these problems within myself dealing with what we are going through. The training he doing right now to prepare to go fight the war I have dealt with very well. Sure I have missed him like crazy but for some reason this past week it has been hell. I admire him so very much and he is my hero and in one sense I am proud to say he will be fighting for our country but in another sense I don't want him to go at all. I know I should be ashamed of myself for being so self centered and wanting to keep him from his responsibilities as a soldier but I also look at it this way that he wasn't even supposed to go, he volunteered for the job. They came around asking for soldiers to go and he transferred to a different unit just so he could go, this was before he and I met. I don't think he would have done that had we been together. I just feel that now we are together, I need him here with me now more than he needs to be there. Sure I know that soldiers are needed over there badly and in 6 mos. I think I could deal a little bit better. He was not supposed to be in training this long and he will be going straight from one base where he is training to another base for more training and will be there til he deploys. We have been wanting to get married before he leaves and I don't even know how we are going to do that. These sleepless nights are about to get to me. I don't know too many nights that I have gone to sleep before 3 a.m. and for some reason I have done nothing but cry a river all night. He takes a test tomorrow to determine if he goes or not with his unit. A huge part of me prays he fails but another part of me wants him to pass because I want him to fail at nothing because I know he is a winner! I am such a crossroad and don't know what to do and yet I feel so horrible because of all of these other wonderful women who have sacrificed so much and have and are dealing with their husbands deployments and are so patriotic......how will I ever get there and understand. I am so scared of all of this, I am so scared of losing him but most of all I am so scared of him living his life and being miserable because I know what this country means to him and I know what he feels his duty is. God help me cause I just pray I get where I need to be.